Saturday, December 12, 2009

Feeling Misunderstood

So, here I am...14 months after my first miscarriage with another 4 that followed. I never imagined I would get pregnant so easily but also never thought I'd end up with 5 miscarriages either.

The last year has been super hard for me. I know miscarriage is a common occurance although many women choose not to share their experiences but it is still a HARD thing to overcome. I have no one to talk to that understands that I still grieve. Everyone thinks it shouldn't affect me the way it has but they're wrong.

I need to be allowed to grieve the loss of what could have been. The one in June was the hardest. I saw the start of a baby growing inside of me; I heard its heartbeat; I watched it dying inside me.

The world makes you feel like it's not ok to feel sad for something like this; that someone else is hurting more for a better reason. I'm not allowed to be sad or to feel jealousy for what another woman has.

It's so hard for me to talk to someone who has a new baby. I know several people like this and I know the right thing to do is to ask how the family is doing. I can't bring myself to do that. I know the right thing is to buy them gifts for their baby but I can't...I want to be able to buy gifts for my baby too but can't. I feel so jealous for having these feelings but can't help but have them especially when others don't seem to appreciate what they have.

I hope for another baby in our house in 2010...let's see what happens.

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