So, here I am, 5 weeks and 1 day since I found out I was in the process of yet another miscarriage and I am still bleeding. Or spotting. Whatever you want to call it. I'm TIRED of wondering when it will stop! I didn't bleed this much after having Liam or the miscarriage in October! Enough is enough.
I'm so frustrated right now. This last pregnancy started out GREAT and was going so well and then, BAM! It went downhill so fast from there. I'm so sad. I'm angry. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do.
I always felt that if I was meant to have a child, it would happen. I also felt that for whatever reason, it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. It's not the "getting-pregnant" part that is hard for me...it's the "staying-pregnant" part, that's a problem.
My OB has referred me to an "infertility specialist", which again, isn't the problem. Infertility isn't why I'm not having a child and the chromosonal testing they've done on me and Eric has come back "normal". I really don't know if I want to go to see him or not. I have so many mixed feelings about this.
I don't want Liam to be alone and would LOVE for him to have a sibling. At the same time, I love the fact that we can give him pretty much everything and anything he wants and needs. With another child we'd have to divide everything. Maybe I'm only meant to have one child and shouldn't even consider another. But then again, maybe it just hasn't been the right time.
It's getting easier to see a pregnant woman but it's so hard to pass those anniversaries...you know, the one where my baby should have been born in April. And the other where I should have just crossed the threshold into my 2nd trimester but instead I'm passing the one month mark of bleeding. It's tiring and old at this point....
Oh, yeah...and ANOTHER person, who happens to be my age, is pregnant...and again, it's not me.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
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