Here I Go Again.........

Well, it's been over a month since I wrote a blog and sadly, it won't be a happy one....AGAIN. The day I wrote the last one was May 5th...apparently I became pregnant this day, perhaps as I was typing my last blog.

I should be happy being pregnant since we've wanted to have another child for almost a year now but unfortunately, I'm not. I've found out that yet again, it looks like this pregnancy will soon end in another miscarriage.

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I feel defeated.

While Liam and I were on vacation I woke up one morning and I thought, "hmmm...I'm pregnant". It was an odd thought but pleasant. I didn't do anything to confirm my suspicions until I got home and waiting 2 days till I took a test.

The test came up positive pretty quickly and I was shocked. I called my OB immediately and had a blood test to check my hCG that day. The test came back at 149 and two days later was at 469. I was thrilled since it had tripled in 2 days. I had one more test 6 days later that was at 2240, which was good. I saw my OB on June 1st and we scheduled an u/s for June 4th.

June 4th was an AWESOME day! I was 6w2d and the tech immediately saw the baby, despite my severely tilted uterus. The baby measured at 6w0d and the heartbeat was visible! I was so happy I cried! I asked for pictures and showed a few coworkers and of course, Eric. Seeing that heartbeat comforted me so much since I don't think any of the last 3 pregnancies have even had a heartbeat.

I began telling family and a few coworkers. Something inside me told me I shouldn't but I thought I was being overly paranoid. I need to listen to myself more often......

Monday morning I woke up and my first thought was, "I'm not pregnant anymore". Strange thought and I assumed it may have been from a dream I may have had just prior to waking. Over the next two days my cravings for fish and nuts subsided and my desire for alcohol and soda increased (I was really proud of myself for not having any soda in the last 2 weeks and hardly ANY since finding out I was expecting).

Yesterday morning I was awaken by cramps...you know, cramps that say, "hey-your-period-is-starting-cramps". Shortly after my shower I started to spot. It was brown blood, so not always a horrible thing. The cramping stopped shortly after but later that evening I started passing dark red clots; small clots but still, enough to concern me.

The spotting turned a little more brownish-red by morning and I called the doctor first thing this morning. They scheduled me for another u/s at 1pm today. I was preparing myself for the worse, which was, "we're sorry but we can't find a heartbeat". That wasn't the worse.....

They found the baby who should have been measuring 7w3d, only my baby isn't that big. The baby is only showing at 6w5d which isn't horrible since it's still within their parameters of being acceptable but concerned me. Then she said she saw the heartbeat. Last time it was still too faint to pick up to hear but this time we tried to listen.

There was a heartbeat....but it wasn't the quick, "whoosh-whoosh" you hear in a normal baby. It was much, much slower. The heartrate measured at 60bpm when it should be at least 100. I saw my baby, deep inside me....my baby that is slowly dying. Even if this baby did survive, it probably would have issues in the future.

I have tears in my eyes while typing this and can hardly see what I'm typing but I have to release my pain somehow.

Everywhere I go there is a pregnant woman...even at work I think there is ANOTHER one that is pregnant. DAMN!!! I'm so angry and sad. I'm frustrated. I have a child and want to give him a sibling and should be able to but for whatever reason it seems more chromosonal issues keep preventing it.

I feel selfish at the same time for wanting another and for not being able to look at a pregnant woman without feeling envious. I so want another child but this is getting to be too emotionally draining and painful.

I don't know if I can do this again........