Thursday, May 6, 2010

May 5th, 2010

Is a day I will never forget. While everyone was celebrating "Cinco de Mayo" my family was mourning the loss of our baby.

Eric and I had to say goodbye to our baby, Kellan Edward Ferguson, at 17 weeks. These last few weeks have been extremely hard on us and while some are ready to move forward, some are not.

Initially Kellan was diagnosed with an ompahlocele at 12 weeks. We then had an amnio done which determined he had trisomy 18. This is a condition that sometimes accompanies the omphalocele and fortunately for those with an omphalocele and not trisomy 18, can be repaired with time and a lot of patience. For babies with both conditions, such as Kellan, their prognosis is not good. Most don't make it through the pregnancy and for those that do are left to die as the doctors won't operate on the omphalocele because of the trisomy 18.

Although I am so very sad to know Kellan has left us I'm glad he died peacefully inside me. I'm also devestated that this was our last try to have another baby and after the heartache of this baby along with the 5 other miscarriages, my heart can't take any more. I'm done trying to have another baby.

Today I'm numb. I don't have much feeling in the way of emotions. I'm not sure if I'm all cried out over the last month since the initial news of the omphalocele but right now I am totally numb.

My heart is breaking that this weekend is Mother's Day. Of course I have Liam and am so thankful for him but I'm also mourning the loss of my 2nd baby boy. I don't know if I'll ever see "Cinco de Mayo" or Mother's Day the same ever again.