Five years ago I was pregnant for the first time and was frightened, excited and elated all at the same time. I hoped for a boy and got my wish in July of 2004 when our first ultrasound showed our baby...small but otherwise healthy baby boy. Immediately I started thinking of only boy names.
Here I am, five years later with a boy ready to attend preschool at what will be his elementary school and 38 years old and even though I had pretty much resigned myself to having only 1 child, I was ok with 2, if that was part of the master plan. Liam came along and I have been very content with him and have been able to give him pretty much my undivided attention and anything else he wants. This is awesome and a hindrence at the same time when you consider my boy is spoiled...not to the point of being a brat but again, he gets almost anything and everything he wants and I am not the ONLY person guilty of this. (ERIC!) :)
Eric had mentioned having another child here and there but never as a real serious conversation so I never took him too seriously but last year he really made me think. He started talking about how small our families are and especially since we Liam "late" Eric constantly considered the "what-if-something-happened-to-us" scenarios. *SIGH* This made me think and the very thought of Liam being alone terrified me at that time and still does.
We then decided to try for another baby...after trying for only a month and a half I found I was pregnant late July last year. We were surprised it happened so quickly but very happy. I would have been due April 12, 2009, on Easter Sunday. I had the normal pregnancy symptoms for the first few weeks but as time went on there were certain things that were cause for concern. As time went on I noticed my symptoms were less noticable, we didn't find a heartbeat at 8 weeks and I had some spotting at 9 1/2 weeks. All of these things weren't HUGE red flags but were indicators of things to come.
Liam and I decided to make one last trip to Florida, Disney and all, just the two of us before the new baby arrived. We left at the end of September and had a great time, although the entire time I was pretty cranky and crampy. I found at the end of the trip that I was having PMS type symptoms and as we were just ready to board our plane home, I started bleeding.
The following day I was told in the ER that I would be experiencing a miscarriage at 13 weeks. This was devestating to me and although I was scared as hell, I wanted to be alone. I felt like a failure for not being able to produce a baby since I was found to have a "blighted ovum". This diagnosis means that although the egg was fertilized and the embreyo begins growing for reasons such as chromosonal problems, it stops growing and is reabsorped into the body. A little freaky to think about but I guess that's nature. Although the embreyo probably stopped growing around 5-8 weeks (in my case I think it was around 8 weeks), the body still thinks it's pregnant and the placenta continued to grow, hence the growing belly.
Anyway, the miscarriage went on for 5 days before I ended up in the ER again and while lying in the hospital bed I vowed I would NEVER even attempt going through that again. In January 2009 I found myself with another positive pregnancy test. I immediately made an appointment since I am, as my doctor has so affectionately told me, of "advanced maternal age". Even before I got to that appointment I found myself going through another "miscarriage" but this time it was a chemical pregnancy.
Well, in March, once again, I was met with a late period and several positive pregnancy tests. Once again, I was diagnosed with a chemical pregnancy as I started bleeding again before my first appointment.
Everywhere I am I see pregnant women...don't get me wrong, I am happy for those who are but at the same time it's so hard to not be envious and hurt. I know several people I see almost on a daily basis are looking at me strangely when they've told me they're pregnant and I don't fawn over them. I can't bring myself to look at their bellies and feel like they wonder what's wrong with me. It's so hard to look without thinking, "that should be me". I hear of women who don't have the means to have another baby and it hurts. I don't want to hear the complaints about how swollen they are or how uncomfortable their shoes or are how much weight they've gained. I'm sure this will come off as sounding terrible but I don't want to discuss baby names with them or anything else having to do with childbirth.
I didn't tell many people that I was pregnant last summer and even our families don't know about the chemical pregnancies this year but I'm having a hard time right now with all the baby fever surrounding me.
Due to the 3 "miscarriages" Eric and I went through chromosonal testing to give us an idea of the chances of us having a child with possible disabilities. We both turned up "normal", whatever that means and aren't exactly trying but aren't preventing anything either.
It's so hard because I feel selfish for wanting another baby and for being so envious of those who are having a baby. At the same time feel bad that I can't give Liam a sibling. There are so many emotions that tug at my heart every day. Not one day goes by that I don't think about the baby that should have been last month or the baby that might be in the future. It's horrible to exist like this, especially when I have a wonderful child that is my world.
I don't know...I guess my attitude right now is, "que sera, sera" and I'm truly sorry for those I've offended, I don't mean to. I'm being honest about my true feelings and need to express my guilt, pain, hopes and desires.