May 5th, 2010

Is a day I will never forget. While everyone was celebrating "Cinco de Mayo" my family was mourning the loss of our baby.

Eric and I had to say goodbye to our baby, Kellan Edward Ferguson, at 17 weeks. These last few weeks have been extremely hard on us and while some are ready to move forward, some are not.

Initially Kellan was diagnosed with an ompahlocele at 12 weeks. We then had an amnio done which determined he had trisomy 18. This is a condition that sometimes accompanies the omphalocele and fortunately for those with an omphalocele and not trisomy 18, can be repaired with time and a lot of patience. For babies with both conditions, such as Kellan, their prognosis is not good. Most don't make it through the pregnancy and for those that do are left to die as the doctors won't operate on the omphalocele because of the trisomy 18.

Although I am so very sad to know Kellan has left us I'm glad he died peacefully inside me. I'm also devestated that this was our last try to have another baby and after the heartache of this baby along with the 5 other miscarriages, my heart can't take any more. I'm done trying to have another baby.

Today I'm numb. I don't have much feeling in the way of emotions. I'm not sure if I'm all cried out over the last month since the initial news of the omphalocele but right now I am totally numb.

My heart is breaking that this weekend is Mother's Day. Of course I have Liam and am so thankful for him but I'm also mourning the loss of my 2nd baby boy. I don't know if I'll ever see "Cinco de Mayo" or Mother's Day the same ever again.

Feeling Misunderstood

So, here I am...14 months after my first miscarriage with another 4 that followed. I never imagined I would get pregnant so easily but also never thought I'd end up with 5 miscarriages either.

The last year has been super hard for me. I know miscarriage is a common occurance although many women choose not to share their experiences but it is still a HARD thing to overcome. I have no one to talk to that understands that I still grieve. Everyone thinks it shouldn't affect me the way it has but they're wrong.

I need to be allowed to grieve the loss of what could have been. The one in June was the hardest. I saw the start of a baby growing inside of me; I heard its heartbeat; I watched it dying inside me.

The world makes you feel like it's not ok to feel sad for something like this; that someone else is hurting more for a better reason. I'm not allowed to be sad or to feel jealousy for what another woman has.

It's so hard for me to talk to someone who has a new baby. I know several people like this and I know the right thing to do is to ask how the family is doing. I can't bring myself to do that. I know the right thing is to buy them gifts for their baby but I can't...I want to be able to buy gifts for my baby too but can't. I feel so jealous for having these feelings but can't help but have them especially when others don't seem to appreciate what they have.

I hope for another baby in our house in 2010...let's see what happens.

5 Weeks and Counting......

So, here I am, 5 weeks and 1 day since I found out I was in the process of yet another miscarriage and I am still bleeding. Or spotting. Whatever you want to call it. I'm TIRED of wondering when it will stop! I didn't bleed this much after having Liam or the miscarriage in October! Enough is enough.

I'm so frustrated right now. This last pregnancy started out GREAT and was going so well and then, BAM! It went downhill so fast from there. I'm so sad. I'm angry. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do.

I always felt that if I was meant to have a child, it would happen. I also felt that for whatever reason, it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. It's not the "getting-pregnant" part that is hard for me...it's the "staying-pregnant" part, that's a problem.

My OB has referred me to an "infertility specialist", which again, isn't the problem. Infertility isn't why I'm not having a child and the chromosonal testing they've done on me and Eric has come back "normal". I really don't know if I want to go to see him or not. I have so many mixed feelings about this.

I don't want Liam to be alone and would LOVE for him to have a sibling. At the same time, I love the fact that we can give him pretty much everything and anything he wants and needs. With another child we'd have to divide everything. Maybe I'm only meant to have one child and shouldn't even consider another. But then again, maybe it just hasn't been the right time.

It's getting easier to see a pregnant woman but it's so hard to pass those anniversaries...you know, the one where my baby should have been born in April. And the other where I should have just crossed the threshold into my 2nd trimester but instead I'm passing the one month mark of bleeding. It's tiring and old at this point....

Oh, yeah...and ANOTHER person, who happens to be my age, is pregnant...and again, it's not me.

Here I Go Again.........

Well, it's been over a month since I wrote a blog and sadly, it won't be a happy one....AGAIN. The day I wrote the last one was May 5th...apparently I became pregnant this day, perhaps as I was typing my last blog.

I should be happy being pregnant since we've wanted to have another child for almost a year now but unfortunately, I'm not. I've found out that yet again, it looks like this pregnancy will soon end in another miscarriage.

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I feel defeated.

While Liam and I were on vacation I woke up one morning and I thought, "hmmm...I'm pregnant". It was an odd thought but pleasant. I didn't do anything to confirm my suspicions until I got home and waiting 2 days till I took a test.

The test came up positive pretty quickly and I was shocked. I called my OB immediately and had a blood test to check my hCG that day. The test came back at 149 and two days later was at 469. I was thrilled since it had tripled in 2 days. I had one more test 6 days later that was at 2240, which was good. I saw my OB on June 1st and we scheduled an u/s for June 4th.

June 4th was an AWESOME day! I was 6w2d and the tech immediately saw the baby, despite my severely tilted uterus. The baby measured at 6w0d and the heartbeat was visible! I was so happy I cried! I asked for pictures and showed a few coworkers and of course, Eric. Seeing that heartbeat comforted me so much since I don't think any of the last 3 pregnancies have even had a heartbeat.

I began telling family and a few coworkers. Something inside me told me I shouldn't but I thought I was being overly paranoid. I need to listen to myself more often......

Monday morning I woke up and my first thought was, "I'm not pregnant anymore". Strange thought and I assumed it may have been from a dream I may have had just prior to waking. Over the next two days my cravings for fish and nuts subsided and my desire for alcohol and soda increased (I was really proud of myself for not having any soda in the last 2 weeks and hardly ANY since finding out I was expecting).

Yesterday morning I was awaken by cramps...you know, cramps that say, "hey-your-period-is-starting-cramps". Shortly after my shower I started to spot. It was brown blood, so not always a horrible thing. The cramping stopped shortly after but later that evening I started passing dark red clots; small clots but still, enough to concern me.

The spotting turned a little more brownish-red by morning and I called the doctor first thing this morning. They scheduled me for another u/s at 1pm today. I was preparing myself for the worse, which was, "we're sorry but we can't find a heartbeat". That wasn't the worse.....

They found the baby who should have been measuring 7w3d, only my baby isn't that big. The baby is only showing at 6w5d which isn't horrible since it's still within their parameters of being acceptable but concerned me. Then she said she saw the heartbeat. Last time it was still too faint to pick up to hear but this time we tried to listen.

There was a heartbeat....but it wasn't the quick, "whoosh-whoosh" you hear in a normal baby. It was much, much slower. The heartrate measured at 60bpm when it should be at least 100. I saw my baby, deep inside me....my baby that is slowly dying. Even if this baby did survive, it probably would have issues in the future.

I have tears in my eyes while typing this and can hardly see what I'm typing but I have to release my pain somehow.

Everywhere I go there is a pregnant woman...even at work I think there is ANOTHER one that is pregnant. DAMN!!! I'm so angry and sad. I'm frustrated. I have a child and want to give him a sibling and should be able to but for whatever reason it seems more chromosonal issues keep preventing it.

I feel selfish at the same time for wanting another and for not being able to look at a pregnant woman without feeling envious. I so want another child but this is getting to be too emotionally draining and painful.

I don't know if I can do this again........

Que sera, sera.....

Five years ago I was pregnant for the first time and was frightened, excited and elated all at the same time. I hoped for a boy and got my wish in July of 2004 when our first ultrasound showed our baby...small but otherwise healthy baby boy. Immediately I started thinking of only boy names.

Here I am, five years later with a boy ready to attend preschool at what will be his elementary school and 38 years old and even though I had pretty much resigned myself to having only 1 child, I was ok with 2, if that was part of the master plan. Liam came along and I have been very content with him and have been able to give him pretty much my undivided attention and anything else he wants. This is awesome and a hindrence at the same time when you consider my boy is spoiled...not to the point of being a brat but again, he gets almost anything and everything he wants and I am not the ONLY person guilty of this. (ERIC!) :)

Eric had mentioned having another child here and there but never as a real serious conversation so I never took him too seriously but last year he really made me think. He started talking about how small our families are and especially since we Liam "late" Eric constantly considered the "what-if-something-happened-to-us" scenarios. *SIGH* This made me think and the very thought of Liam being alone terrified me at that time and still does.

We then decided to try for another baby...after trying for only a month and a half I found I was pregnant late July last year. We were surprised it happened so quickly but very happy. I would have been due April 12, 2009, on Easter Sunday. I had the normal pregnancy symptoms for the first few weeks but as time went on there were certain things that were cause for concern. As time went on I noticed my symptoms were less noticable, we didn't find a heartbeat at 8 weeks and I had some spotting at 9 1/2 weeks. All of these things weren't HUGE red flags but were indicators of things to come.

Liam and I decided to make one last trip to Florida, Disney and all, just the two of us before the new baby arrived. We left at the end of September and had a great time, although the entire time I was pretty cranky and crampy. I found at the end of the trip that I was having PMS type symptoms and as we were just ready to board our plane home, I started bleeding.

The following day I was told in the ER that I would be experiencing a miscarriage at 13 weeks. This was devestating to me and although I was scared as hell, I wanted to be alone. I felt like a failure for not being able to produce a baby since I was found to have a "blighted ovum". This diagnosis means that although the egg was fertilized and the embreyo begins growing for reasons such as chromosonal problems, it stops growing and is reabsorped into the body. A little freaky to think about but I guess that's nature. Although the embreyo probably stopped growing around 5-8 weeks (in my case I think it was around 8 weeks), the body still thinks it's pregnant and the placenta continued to grow, hence the growing belly.

Anyway, the miscarriage went on for 5 days before I ended up in the ER again and while lying in the hospital bed I vowed I would NEVER even attempt going through that again. In January 2009 I found myself with another positive pregnancy test. I immediately made an appointment since I am, as my doctor has so affectionately told me, of "advanced maternal age". Even before I got to that appointment I found myself going through another "miscarriage" but this time it was a chemical pregnancy.

Well, in March, once again, I was met with a late period and several positive pregnancy tests. Once again, I was diagnosed with a chemical pregnancy as I started bleeding again before my first appointment.

Everywhere I am I see pregnant women...don't get me wrong, I am happy for those who are but at the same time it's so hard to not be envious and hurt. I know several people I see almost on a daily basis are looking at me strangely when they've told me they're pregnant and I don't fawn over them. I can't bring myself to look at their bellies and feel like they wonder what's wrong with me. It's so hard to look without thinking, "that should be me". I hear of women who don't have the means to have another baby and it hurts. I don't want to hear the complaints about how swollen they are or how uncomfortable their shoes or are how much weight they've gained. I'm sure this will come off as sounding terrible but I don't want to discuss baby names with them or anything else having to do with childbirth.

I didn't tell many people that I was pregnant last summer and even our families don't know about the chemical pregnancies this year but I'm having a hard time right now with all the baby fever surrounding me.

Due to the 3 "miscarriages" Eric and I went through chromosonal testing to give us an idea of the chances of us having a child with possible disabilities. We both turned up "normal", whatever that means and aren't exactly trying but aren't preventing anything either.

It's so hard because I feel selfish for wanting another baby and for being so envious of those who are having a baby. At the same time feel bad that I can't give Liam a sibling. There are so many emotions that tug at my heart every day. Not one day goes by that I don't think about the baby that should have been last month or the baby that might be in the future. It's horrible to exist like this, especially when I have a wonderful child that is my world.

I don't know...I guess my attitude right now is, "que sera, sera" and I'm truly sorry for those I've offended, I don't mean to. I'm being honest about my true feelings and need to express my guilt, pain, hopes and desires.

Boys will be boys

So anyone who knows me knows that our son is the love of my life! He is the coolest little guy I've ever known and although he is our only child and I'm his "Momma" I try to not baby him too much. There are many rites of passage for a child, especially a boy and I try to not hinder or prevent them from happening. Liam needs to grow up sooner or later but I always hope for the later and that his experiences will occur in a positive way.

Over time he's gotten into the "cowboy" phase - you know, the boots, the hat, "giddy-up horsey" and I've indulged him to a point. He's even going through the "bang-bang" and pretending to play with guns, which I do NOT allow but thinks he can outwit me by telling me, "no Momma, it's not a gun...it's a cannon." Yeah, right!

Anyway, through it all, I allow him to be a boy and to discover the world around him but today I got the unexpected. Before I continue, I will post a warning that although the remainder of my story is not graphic, if you are squeamish about reptiles, this may not be the story for you. Consider yourself warned.

I was picking Liam up at school today and found as usual, he was outside playing with his class. I made my way to the door and as I opened it I found Liam standing in the mulched playground near the ramp which leads to the building. Almost all the kids were standing in a group near Liam and some were yelling, "EWWW!!!" , "UGH!", "YUCK, Liam!" I saw Liam looking at the ground and he started stomping the mulch with his little cowboy boots. I called his name and he met my gaze with a huge smile. I told him, "let's go...time for swim school" and he answered back with, "Momma!!! I catched a lizard! I catched a lizard and squished his tail off!!"

UGH! My heart sank. There are a few things Eric and I have always done and one of those things is rescuing the creatures we find in the house and placing them outside instead of killing them. Maybe we're weird like that but we feel they've become lost and they deserve to live as much as we do. Now, don't get me wrong, scorpions are a different story! Those suckers should be stomped into oblivion for all I care!

So, back to Liam and his lizard...he had caught the lizard and I'm assuming the lizard let go of its tail as its defense and took off. Liam was left with the tail in his hand and it was still moving. GROSS!!!! I had never seen that kind of thing before so it really creeped me out and saddened me at the same time but I also know the lizard will eventually grow a new one but still...that poor lizard!!!

Liam thought it was the coolest thing ever and even went as far as to throwing the tail on the ground and stomped on it. I can't get the image of that tail wagging around and it's making me nauseous thinking about it. I've always told Liam that we don't hurt creatures and what about that poor lizard who went home and all his friends saw he didn't have a tail anymore. And what about the pain...didn't it hurt when he squished off his tail? And the fear that poor reptile felt, enough for him to lose his tail! I wasn't trying to freak Liam out but wanted him to really think about what had happened and what his actions had caused.

I was met with a response and I guess I should have known better...I was told, "Momma, I think he'll grow a new tail". As simple as that...he again, tried to outwit me and this time succeeded.

Boys....somehow I think this is just the beginning of a long road of Momma letting her boy be just that....a boy.